1/7/2005
The following is a narrative taken from a recent meeting of the Maryland Chapter of Spoilerholics Anonymous (SpoilAnon):
Ron Smith: Hello everyone and welcome back to our weekly meeting of Spoilerholics Anonymous, Maryland Chapter. As you know, we here are a part of a growing chorus of burned out, joyless souls who have, for years, errantly believed that knowing everything about anything — books, movies, songs, etc. — before they ever reach market was a good thing.
We now know that we were sadly, tragically mistaken… don’t we? [A chorus yes’s and head nods from all 16 attendees] Well, tonight we have the opportunity to greet a new member of our enlightened group. He’s going to tell us a bit about his journey and his move towards recovery. David? Would you come up to the podium please?
David: Hello, my name is David Flanagan and I’m a Spoilerholic.
Group: Hello David!
David: …. Well, I guess it all started with… ummm… with Star Trek. I loved the show and grew up with it, you know. [Heads nodding] Well, several years back, while The Next Generation was getting ready to end its television run and they were going to launch their first movie, I heard from a friend about this site, you know, where you could get information and read rumors about the upcoming movie. [Looks of sympathy and understanding emanated from the audience].
So I went there, and it was great! All kinds of information, and the rumors they had there… It was good stuff! But I figured it was all just a bunch of garbage, just guesswork.
Then I went to see “Generations,” and some of it was actually true! The part where Data gets the emotion chip, and… [Chokes back a sob] The death of Captain Kirk! [A few in the audience close their eyes and bow their heads in pain].
[Eyes full of emotion] That’s when I was hooked… The power of it… The ability to actually KNOW what was going to happen before it happened! When “First Contact” came out, I knew all kinds of information about it, and it was largely accurate. That’s when I started posting to chat boards, and even tried to start uncovering and posting some new bits of information myself.
But then I began to notice that it just wasn’t as much fun as before. I got less of a high from each new rumor and, by the time Star Trek IX hit, you know, when someone scored the first copy of the script, I was beginning to think that I had made a mistake. [More heads nodding] I remember downloading a copy of that stolen script to my desktop… I was so happy!
But then I started reading and… I wasn’t happy anymore, you know? By the time I hit the third page, I was disgusted… with myself, with this whole spoiler thing, with everything! I put my head in my hands and kept asking myself… What have I done with my life?!
I felt bad, first of all because my enjoyment was gone. [Yes! Said a few in the audience] You know what I’m talking about, it was actually WORSE to know what was going to happen, not better, because I was always disappointed when I actually saw a show or movie after learning all the details of the plot. Somehow, it was never as good as I imagined it would be, or I would just be disgusted with the script and never watch the show or the movie in the first place.
And all those obsessive emails that I had been sending to the production companies, demanding that they change a script because I thought it was lousy. And I must have signed something like a hundred online petitions asking for script changes… It was all becoming so miserable and everything felt so futile. I entered this period of long depression; feeling as if none of the shows I loved would ever be good again.
Star Trek The Next Generation, Star Trek Deep Space Nine, Star Trek Voyager… They all made me miserable!
Then, somewhere in there, it’s kind of a blur so I don’t remember exactly, but I heard the rumors of Star Wars 1: The Phantom Menace. I began to troll the Internet for any scrap of a rumor I could find. I was almost frantic.
And I realized… I was going to ruin this too? NO!! [Right! Shouted one listener] I deleted all my links to my favorite spoiler sites, I erased all the email addresses of my suppliers, I decided I was going to take back my life! I was going to get rid of this filthy habit! I was going to deny these feelings of entitlement!! [That’s right! From the audience]
I don’t need to know what is going to happen in a show or a movie BEFORE I see the thing. I was happier before, not knowing. Remember how awesome it felt to watch Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan for the first time? [Emphatic “yes’s” from the audience], how about Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home? [More “yes’s”] I didn’t know a damn thing about those movies going in, and I walked away thrilled… Higher than any high I ever got from those spoilers!
Well, I was going back to those days, whatever it took. [David heard a “good for you!” from the group of listeners] Right! I don’t need to know and I don’t want to know, and I turned away for good. I have to tell you, I felt so good about myself, finally getting clean again, renewing my mind; my attitude too!
But then I made a mistake… [David pauses, clearly emotional] Well… [From the group he heard Ron’s voice say, “It’s okay David, tell us.” “Yes’s” followed Ron’s encouraging comment.]
[David looks up from the floor where he had been focused] Okay, I’ll tell you. I made a mistake because I thought I could just go ahead and let everyone else do his or her own thing and I could just do my own thing. But I realized that, even while I was getting myself clean, thousands of others were sending their lives spinning out of control.
They’re making a mistake, but I can’t FORCE them to get clean. But, they are not just hurting themselves; they are hurting all of the rest of us too. [From the group, murmurs of “Yes they are.”] First of all, they are getting others hooked all the time and ruining their lives. [From the room: “Yes!”] Secondly, they are so obsessed with their need to KNOW everything about any show, movie, song, book, or whatever, that they are driven to dishonestly obtain all that inside information. [Again: “Yes!”]
They don’t care about the rights of the scriptwriters, the producers, the authors, or anyone for that matter. They just constantly need to feed off of other people’s talent and exploit relationships in their drive to score a spoiler. [Yes]
They don’t even care if their habit hurts the studios financially, rather, they just know they have to feed; they have to feed their need! [YES!]
It has to stop; we have to help those lost souls break the spoiler habit… [Pause] And that’s why I’m here.
Thank you. [David offers a slight smile while the group stands up to applaud and come to the podium to shake his hand]
THE END [Queue the triumphant end-credits music]
1 Comment
[…] This blogger is a “hater” when it comes to spoilers, and I’ve spoken out against this horrible habit before. Two posts in particular, Just say NO to spoilers!, and Help! Star Trek has fallen and can’t get up!, make this clear to readers. […]
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